Impending

There are many emotional ups and downs in pregnancy. Moments that feel terrifyingly out of control. Today I am 124 days away from my due date. Accck! What will I do with a baby? Will I ever be whole enough to take care of another human being? I thank my lucky stars for Jesse. In some moments I feel I could tackle anything now that I have someone who loves me. Seeing my father in the hospital bed today is enough to make me feel exhausted and spent. All the memories of the two of us in hospitals, but with me being admitted because I thought I would fall apart. It's finishing my thesis, acknowledging my spectatorship that has helped me feel like staying "together". I will stay together and be whole for you, baby beet.