Ticker

Impending

There are many emotional ups and downs in pregnancy. Moments that feel terrifyingly out of control. Today I am 124 days away from my due date. Accck! What will I do with a baby? Will I ever be whole enough to take care of another human being? I thank my lucky stars for Jesse. In some moments I feel I could tackle anything now that I have someone who loves me. Seeing my father in the hospital bed today is enough to make me feel exhausted and spent. All the memories of the two of us in hospitals, but with me being admitted because I thought I would fall apart. It's finishing my thesis, acknowledging my spectatorship that has helped me feel like staying "together". I will stay together and be whole for you, baby beet.

Picturing the Beet

I feel you kicking inside me now, frequently, and with insistence. I think about you in most moments. Finally, I am comfortable now in this time, with you inside me and part of me.
I want you to keep growing and moving towards your birth, but I'm afraid I won't know what to do with you when you are here. Right now, my body knows how to care for you and I can't get in the way.
The day your father and I saw you for the first time....I will not forget. Your father didn't let go of my hand the whole time. There was a flat screen monitor in front of us, on the wall, and when you showed up on the screen, the image of you took my breath right away. You are adorable, my little baby boy, with all of your fingers and toes. You have already filled my thoughts with more joy than I ever thought possible.

Quickening

Indeed it seems the time is moving more quickly now. Perhaps it's just that I don't feel that putrid sickness around every corner of every waking moment.

And now....there is movement. Baby beet is definitely moving around in there and it's NOT gas. We're finding out that there are many beet-related songs to sing along to when we are alone in the car. So far your favorite is Gloria Estefan's "Turn the Beet Around":

Turn the beet around
Love to hear the percussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear the percussion
Love to hear it

Turn it up, turn it up, turn it upside down

I LOVE to feel it, Baby Beet - keep it up!

Merry Christmas, Beet Baby

Today brought a feast of large proportions; your father and I celebrated Christmas today at home by ourselves. We wanted our first Christmas with you to be merry, relaxed and bright. I hope you liked all the Christmas music (and the carrot cake).

Snuggle Buddy

An important milestone will be achieved today my little beet baby. Your father is taking me to buy me a pregnancy pillow so that you and I can sleep together with a touch more comfort. It's not the odd dreams (an art answering service? a platform in the middle of an abyss for ritualistic art recitals?) that propel me towards the insomnia, it's the flipping that we do trying to get comfortable. Or maybe it's your dad's snoring. I'm wishing us sweet dreams.

My Heart

Beats for you, baby beet. I can't wait to meet you. I have spent so much time thinking about you, and struggling with the idea of you, that I will make a place for you here, not unlike the one you have inside me. You are the size of a navel orange this week. And you make me feel the size of a house. But thank goodness you quit pushing the "throw up now" and " go to sleep now" buttons. Big kiss today to your little hairy body.