Approaching

It's hard to believe, but your due date fast approaches. There are a lot of phone calls. Your Grandma June (we will call her Crazy Grannie) calls every day, along with several other friends and relatives, to see if there are any signs that you will be joining us out here. No one tis more excited than your father and I. He can hardly make himself go to work every day. I think he would rather hang out with me all day so he can watch me (just in case anything should happen). We both agreed last night that we didn't anticipate how hard the waiting was going to be. We know we will get to meet you soon, and that is enough to cause our hearts to burst with joy. We already can't imagine life without you.

The name Finnegan....I'm hoping your father agrees. Why Finnegan? The name rings with me, in my heart. Begin again: this beckoning call resonates. There are so many ways that the choices I made in life could have pointed me away from you. I feel that finding you (and your father) along my path is quite miraculous. Even with all my anxiety, there is not a moment that passes where I do not feel intense happiness that things worked out exactly this way.

Overcoming

Dearest,
I am slowly overcoming my fears of welcoming you into the world. We have both grown comfortable (but less and less every day!) with the way things are between us. But things won't stay this way for much longer, perhaps another month or so, and you will join your father and I out here in the world. With each day I gather more of the strength I will need to lovingly embrace you, fearless, on your birth day. And then we will begin our journey together.

Things have to feel tight for you; I know they do for me. I hope you are enjoying this restful time. Things will be different when you are out here - trust me. It's exciting and scary. I promise you I will do everything I can to protect you and love you. In hoping that you get more of your father's temperament, I am really just wishing that you do not inherit this penchant for chronic worry from your mother. I worry about everything in the past - for myself, and now for you. Once someone predicted that I would never be happy - I guess that is what I fear the most - that my worry will keep me from the life I have so arduously built for myself, and now for us, with your father. I'll work on my worrying and you just work on getting ready for your big day. Kisses.

Dearest

I think about you in most of my moments. And it isn't just because you are asserting yourself inside me more and more, although that's part of it. It is hard to deny the physical aspects of having you inside me are disconcerting, to say the least. My favorite times are when it is quiet and I have the presence of mind to be still and feel you moving. But it is hard to be comfortable as I wind down this semester at USF. The chairs are hard, the classes are long and I daydream of our life together. The only thing that dissipates the fears about your arrival is the anticipation. There is such joy in moments with your father and I - I know this is the only way to bring a child into this world. You are blessed. I know this because you chose your father and I, and we have so much love to give you. He is less worried, but I bring you are heart that worries, that is anxious, that knows disappointment. Somehow these things have made my heart bigger, and more ready, for you. I may never be sure I am completely ready, and I hope that you never know of my insecurities. I hope that you only know my strength and my desire to hold you close to my heart, always.
I look forward to the journey with your father, and what we will discover about each other as we care for you and bring you into the world. We cannot make this world perfect for you, as much as we would like to, but we will insulate you a bit and share our lives with you. Our first baby - we could not be more elated.
I close my eyes and try to picture your face, your fingers, your belly - where you are connected to me. What will your first memory of me be? And of your father? I'm so excited for you to meet all your grandparents and to see you in their arms. I know that I can do anything I need to do so that I can look into your eyes. I will face whatever fears I harbor so that the three of us can start our life together. Your father and I early await your arrival, but you stay put and grow. We're not quite ready yet.

Ticker

Impending

There are many emotional ups and downs in pregnancy. Moments that feel terrifyingly out of control. Today I am 124 days away from my due date. Accck! What will I do with a baby? Will I ever be whole enough to take care of another human being? I thank my lucky stars for Jesse. In some moments I feel I could tackle anything now that I have someone who loves me. Seeing my father in the hospital bed today is enough to make me feel exhausted and spent. All the memories of the two of us in hospitals, but with me being admitted because I thought I would fall apart. It's finishing my thesis, acknowledging my spectatorship that has helped me feel like staying "together". I will stay together and be whole for you, baby beet.

Picturing the Beet

I feel you kicking inside me now, frequently, and with insistence. I think about you in most moments. Finally, I am comfortable now in this time, with you inside me and part of me.
I want you to keep growing and moving towards your birth, but I'm afraid I won't know what to do with you when you are here. Right now, my body knows how to care for you and I can't get in the way.
The day your father and I saw you for the first time....I will not forget. Your father didn't let go of my hand the whole time. There was a flat screen monitor in front of us, on the wall, and when you showed up on the screen, the image of you took my breath right away. You are adorable, my little baby boy, with all of your fingers and toes. You have already filled my thoughts with more joy than I ever thought possible.

Quickening

Indeed it seems the time is moving more quickly now. Perhaps it's just that I don't feel that putrid sickness around every corner of every waking moment.

And now....there is movement. Baby beet is definitely moving around in there and it's NOT gas. We're finding out that there are many beet-related songs to sing along to when we are alone in the car. So far your favorite is Gloria Estefan's "Turn the Beet Around":

Turn the beet around
Love to hear the percussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear the percussion
Love to hear it

Turn it up, turn it up, turn it upside down

I LOVE to feel it, Baby Beet - keep it up!