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Impending

There are many emotional ups and downs in pregnancy. Moments that feel terrifyingly out of control. Today I am 124 days away from my due date. Accck! What will I do with a baby? Will I ever be whole enough to take care of another human being? I thank my lucky stars for Jesse. In some moments I feel I could tackle anything now that I have someone who loves me. Seeing my father in the hospital bed today is enough to make me feel exhausted and spent. All the memories of the two of us in hospitals, but with me being admitted because I thought I would fall apart. It's finishing my thesis, acknowledging my spectatorship that has helped me feel like staying "together". I will stay together and be whole for you, baby beet.

Picturing the Beet

I feel you kicking inside me now, frequently, and with insistence. I think about you in most moments. Finally, I am comfortable now in this time, with you inside me and part of me.
I want you to keep growing and moving towards your birth, but I'm afraid I won't know what to do with you when you are here. Right now, my body knows how to care for you and I can't get in the way.
The day your father and I saw you for the first time....I will not forget. Your father didn't let go of my hand the whole time. There was a flat screen monitor in front of us, on the wall, and when you showed up on the screen, the image of you took my breath right away. You are adorable, my little baby boy, with all of your fingers and toes. You have already filled my thoughts with more joy than I ever thought possible.